|
More Lighter Than Air...
What You See Is Not What You Get!
An apochrypal story from World War II has it that the Germans built a decoy aerodrome in occupied Holland. The "airfield" was constructed with meticulous care--a shining example of the much-noted Prussian efficiency. Made almost entirely of wood, there were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and, of course, aircraft.
Finally the decoy was finished, every wooden jot and tittle. My, but the Germans were proud of their haughty deception.
But whatīs this? Early the morning after the “Grand Opening” party was held, a lone RAF plane streaked across the Channel, stealthily circled the field at treetop level, and dropped one, large wooden bomb.
(You Donīt Have to Be an Aviator to Enjoy These. But It Helps!)
Young and Foolish
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!" (Editor Jeff Pardoe)
One Sharp Lady (1/10/00)
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat, pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied as she thought to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Well, you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read...
Medical Records. Or How I Flunked Medical School English (We trust these werenīt AMEs! [Thatīs Aviation Medical Examiners for you non-pilots])
These are doctors' notes on patients' charts: (Actual notes - unedited!)
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (ouch!)
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light andaccommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
THE SOLDIER
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a welldressed middleaged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Uncle Bob
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of thepickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story? “
"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's drunk."
more Lighter Than Air
|
